July? Hello?

Oh my gosh, what happened to July??  The last time I was actively blogging it was about things that happened in mid-June, and now here we are in August!  Oy.  Time sure flies when you're having the time of your life.  And boy have I been.

Let's see.  At the end of June we enjoyed a couple rare, unscheduled, mostly-close-to home weekends.  We blew up Sadie's pool and drank beer in the driveway with our neighbors.

 We (and by we I mean the neighborhood men) put together Sadie's new playhouse.



We celebrated our nephew Elias' baptism and enjoyed a short, but lovely visit with Brian's aunt and uncle who were visiting from California.

We had dinner at my brother and sister-in-law's house and visited with my aunt and uncle who live in town but we don't see nearly as often as I'd like to.

Oh, and we have a new family member!  Brian's beautiful new Brooks Masten Fretless Banjo.  Yay for more handmade, acoustic instruments! Love love love that....



The first weekend in July found us spending some time in Colorado Springs with our dear friends the Noleens.  We also took Sadie to Boulder's Dinner Theater for the first time.  It's an annual tradition for my family, and I've been dreaming of bringing Sadie with us as soon as she was old enough.  Well, this summer's production of Cinderella seemed like the PERFECT opportunity!  Needless to say, my little princess was in heaven.

And then it was time to kiss my family goodbye, give them a few extra squeezes, throw my pack on my back and get on the plane (by myself!) to Paducah, Kentucky.  More on that in the next post....

After making a brief appearance at work upon my return from the aforementioned 10-day trip, and getting hit by a pretty big emotional hammer due to some intensity in my loved one's lives, we were back to living the good life in "festival land".  Rockygrass was utterly divine this year, as it always is.  And coming off said emotional hammering, I absolutely soaked and reveled in all the beauty that was around me.  Moments of particular musical brilliance; watching my daughter hug, kiss, and generally and love on neighbors and friends and strangers; running alone along the St. Vrain River early Saturday morning and keeping my eyes open for a bear who I knew was nearby; drinking mead and visiting with like-minded festival mamas; curling up in my husband's lap while watching this band play this song on stage and letting all the emotion of a very hard and heartbreaking day pour out of me (Love and love and nothing else, is all I need)...these are the moments I treasure at a festival. 

Festivating with an infant was easy.  I wore the baby everywhere I went and during everything I did, including into the port-a-potty and while setting up and taking down camp.  She nursed and I festivated.  Easy.  But the next two years were anything but easy.  Festivating with a new 1-year-old walker and a rambunctious, newly independent (and not very focused on listening) 2-year-old were NOT SO EASY.  And while festivating with a 3-year-old is certainly exhausting, and not anything at all like festivals in our pre-parents days...this (so far) has been by far my favorite festival season yet.  Sadie is so comfortable and understanding of the music and camping scene, that she sleeps well, listens well, and really gets into the whole vibe of the thing.  AND, whereas in past years, we lived and died by her taking a nap and getting to bed by 8 p.m....now she can (finally!) go without a nap without completely losing her mind, and bedtime rules and routines can definitely be flexible while at a festival.



On Friday night of the festival, Brian was exhausted, so he and Sadie both crawled into the tent by about 9 p.m.  The glowsticks came out on Saturday night, and Sadie and her friend Beau ran each other ragged until about 9:30 p.m. in the festival grounds while we parents enjoyed the music and kept an eye on the kiddos.  I could tell that Sadie was getting tired when she sat down in the middle of playtime facing away from the stage.  I invited her to crawl into my lap and she was asleep in moments.  I watched the rest of the set while she slept peacefully on my chest.  She went right back to sleep when we got back to the tent and slept all night.

But my very favorite was the last night of the festival.  All our festival buddies were gone, it was raining, and one of my top-three-favorite-of-all-time musicians, Tim O'Brien, was closing out the festival.  Sadie and I were fresh out of a nice warm shower and in our comfy clothes and raingear.  Brian and I found a nice spot to sit where we could see the stage, we spread a tarp across our laps, Sadie crawled into the "fort" formed between our chairs, and promptly fell asleep.  I cannot put into words the pure bliss I felt as a light Colorado rain fell on my family as we watched and absorbed the beautiful music coming to us from stage.  Sitting there with my loving husband while our beautiful, perfect daughter slept peacefully between us, was one of the happiest moments of my life.  Truly.

Another high point of the festival....Sadie and I sat down in the front row of the sheltered theater on the festival grounds to watch Red Molly's set.  Sadie, again, was completely entranced by the beautiful women in the beautiful dresses and boots.  She wanted to pretend she was singing like they were.  LOVE that she gets so into watching women on stage!

Anyway, this about sums up how I feel in my heart about things right now.  Despite a lot of pain and sadness all around these days, I'm never far from this....



May I suggest
May I suggest to you
May I suggest this is the best part of of your life

May I suggest
this time is blessed for you
this time is blessed and shining almost blinding bright
just turn your head
and you’ll begin to see
the thousand reasons that were just beyond your sight

the reasons why
why I suggest to you
why I suggest this is the best part of your life

there is a world
that’s been addressed to you
addressed to you, intended only for your eyes
a secret world
a treasure chest to you
of private scenes and brilliant dreams that mesmerize

a tender lover’s smile
a tiny baby’s hands
the million stars that fill the turning sky at night

Oh I suggest
Yes I suggest to you
Yes I suggest this is the best part of your life

There is a hope
that’s been expressed in you
the hope of seven generations, maybe more
this is the fate
that they invest in you
it’s that you’ll do one better that was done before

inside you know
inside you understand
inside you know what’s yours to finally set right

and i suggest
and i suggest to you
and i suggest this is the best part of your life

this is a song
comes from the west to you
comes from the west, comes from the slowly setting sun
this is a song
with a request of you
to see how very short the endless days will run
and when they’re gone
and when the dark descends
we’d give anything for one more hour of life

may i suggest
this is best part of your life

Boys and Girls

Most of the guilty pleasures in my life involve reality television. And probably the most despicable and embarrassing one is Dancing With the Stars. I love it! I can't wait for each new season to start. I love the bright lights, cheesy pop music, sparkly costumes, tanned and toned bodies, and over-the-top superficiality of the whole thing. Really I do. You know, we all need an escape sometimes from trying so hard to live an authentic life, and this certainly works for me....

The DWTS folks try to create drama whenever they can...but one of the new contestants for the upcoming season is creating quite a stir, just by being himself. I'm interested in (and sometimes appalled by the narrowmindedness) of the discussions happening around Chaz Bono's inclusion in the show. I LOVE Christine's post about the issue....she rocks. You should read it and check out some of the links she includes.

Gender issues are also on my mind a lot lately because Sadie is starting to distinguish between who in her life is a "boy" and who is a "girl". She gets it right every time. When we asked her how she knows if someone is a boy or a girl, she said because she feels good in her heart. That's a phrase we use to encourage her to share and help, etc....so it was interesting to hear her use it in this context.

Anyway, I think these discussions are fine. I don't feel too militant or hardcore (yet) about how to approach these discussions with her and how to make sure we're not just reinforcing society's stereotypes about gender norms. But the other night during a discussion along these lines, I did make sure to tell Sadie that sometimes people who look like "girls" are actually "boys", and vice versa. I know she doesn't understand what that means, and she doesn't need to. But she hears what I say, and I just want her to know it's not always straightforward.

Small Steps

That's pretty rough what I said down there. It's true, that's how I feel...but it's not all sadness and desperation like I made it sound....

Really, this is how I feel about being a working mother. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of it.

And I'm constantly incorporating small changes into our family routine to help with the situation.

1. Sadie and I talk on the phone every morning. So, even though I don't see her in person before work, we get to connect that way at the start of every day. Phone conversations with a 2 year-old are a bit dysfunctional, but we're trying.
2. If I can swing it with my work schedule, I'll come into work 30 minutes late every once in a while so I do get to see Sadie when she wakes up (once a week, or so).
3. It's hard for me to not try to get stuff done when I get home from work (go through the mail, pack lunch for the next day, etc...), but I resist. That is Sadie's time, and I usually just plop myself down on the floor and get into her world.
4. As much as I can, dinner preparation is done after Sadie goes to bed the night before, so I don't have to do much (or anything) to get dinner ready.
5. We eat dinner as a family, and then Sadie and I go upstairs for bath/shower time. Brian is awesome about cleaning up every single night!
6. I say no as often as I can to after-work activities. I do have commitments that I can't always get out of, but I try to not add any others.
7. Weekends are NOT about cleaning the house or doing other chores that take me away from Sadie.
8. I'm hoping to be able to take a day or a half-day off, once or twice a month, to spend with Sadie at home. I think that will help both of us.
9. I'm breathing deeply and reminding myself that my career is a good thing for Sadie, for me, and for my family as a whole.

I hadn't thought about it that way....

I wrote this sentence in this post below.

"I don't get to see Sadie before I go to work in the morning...so when I get home from work, we've been apart for 22 hours"

I hadn't put my daily separation from my daughter in those exact terms before. And it is staggeringly heartbreaking to me. Every time I think about it that way, which is all the time now, I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach.

Imagination

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." - Albert Einstein


Last night I experienced one of my very favorite moments as a parent, to date. I saw Sadie's imagination at work for the first time (at least completely obviously like this).

Sadie told me that she had a boo-boo and a tummyache and was going to the doctor. When I asked her what the doctor was going to do, she said the doctor would kiss it and make it better (of course! that's how that stuff gets fixed when you're that age...).

The she gave me a big hug and kiss, ran to the other side of the living room, "talked" to the doctor, and came back and said she was all better.

On the 4th trip to the doctor I asked her to stop and get some milk, ice cream, and crackers on her way home from the doctor. She went to a different corner to get these items and then came home and pretended to put them in the fridge. Then she passed milk and ice cream out to Brian and me when we requested it.

This went on and on...and was SO FUN to watch! I really have never seen her engage in this type of imaginative play to such a level of detail and for such an extended period of time. And usually when we talk about things that are pretend, it's at my urging. I'll ask her if she thinks the birds are leaving to go home for dinner when they fly away, etc. But this was all her.

Let that imagination soar, little Sadie. It'll take you far!

I Make Milk, What's Your Superpower?

Yep, Sadie and I are still breastfeeding. Mostly happily.
As soon as I decided that I would be a breastfeeding mama, I knew that I would be very committed to it. I believe so strongly in the benefits of this relationship for both mamas and babies. I believe that this is the single most important gift I have given my child, to date.

And it certainly hasn't always been easy. As a full-time working mother, it was a serious commitment and sacrifice to maintain my milk supply in those early days. I laugh when I think about some of the ridiculous situations in which I pumped. (covered in mud, hunched down in my truck, while an all-male drill crew worked just out of sight comes to mind...).

I think I always intended to nurse until Sadie turned two. That's the recommendation of the World Health Organization, other respected pediatric groups, Sadie's pediatrician, and some other nursing mamas I know. But I never really thought about what that meant. I guess I just thought we would magically be done when Sadie turned two. Then when Sadie started to near her second birthday, it became clear that if I was really determined to be done, it wasn't going to be easy. At all. I reached out to the very few women I know who nursed past their child's first birthday. And I started paying more attention to Sadie and what her needs/wants are when it comes to nursing. I told Sadie's pediatrician (who is very breastfeeding supportive) that I was "in no hurry" but that I was interested in moving in the direction of weaning. His advice to me was a common saying when it comes to gently weaning toddlers, "Don't Offer, Don't Refuse". Sounds reasonable, right?

Well, let me just tell you that I never offer. Never. I don't get the chance to really. The minute I walk in the door after work, before a hug and kiss, Sadie asks to nurse. And she's VERY insistent about it. She will not take no for an answer.

It's true that Sadie does not NEED to nurse anymore, from a nutritional standpoint. But that doesn't mean she doesn't need to nurse anymore. What I know in my heart is that this is her best way to reconnect with me after missing each other all day. I don't see Sadie before I go to work in the morning...so when I get home from work, we've been apart for 22 hours :(. And she knows that when we are nursing, I am 100% focused on her and it is a special time for us to be physically and emotionally close.

Sadie is also a sensitive little one who is very attached to her mama, and I believe that she benefits greatly from the comfort and security that nursing brings. I also know that it is my very best (and easiest) tool to help her calm down when she is upset, angry, or hurt. It is a very important part of our bedtime routine, and although she has no problem going to sleep for her dad or her grandparents, if I'm the one putting her to sleep, we both love having that time to snuggle in close and quiet down from the business of the day.

But there are also times that I am ready, READY, to be done. It's not always sweet and comforting for me. There are times that my body and its particular hormonal state that day are not in the mood to nurse. There are times, like last week, when I came home from a long after-work run, sweatier than I've ever been in my life, and all Sadie wanted to do was nurse. I literally had to peel my sports bra off of me and get in the shower while listening to her scream for 20 minutes because I absolutely just couldn't bring myself to nurse until I'd washed all the sweat and grime off my body. And then there are times when I find myself feeling self-conscious about nursing Sadie.

When Sadie was younger, I had absolutely no qualms about nursing in public. I nursed her discreetly while eating with friends in a busy restaurant, at concerts and festivals, in front of her great-grandparents at the dinner table, on the airplane, and while walking around my neighborhood. I'm so thankful that unlike many, many women in this country, I was never chided for it or asked to leave a public place. I also like to think that through these actions I've made some formerly squeamish friends and family members more comfortable with breastfeeding and helped them to realize that it's a perfectly natural way to nourish your baby and is absolutely not something that must be done in private.

But....now that Sadie's a bit older and I'm the only person in my immediate group of family and friends who has nursed to this age, I'm more aware of when and where I nurse Sadie. Unlike some toddlers, Sadie doesn't often insist on nursing when we're in public. She tends to get distracted and excited about whatever activity we're engaged in and it doesn't cross her mind. If we are in someone's home, I can usually say, o.k., it's time to go have some quiet time, and we'll find a quiet place to nurse.

A couple weekends ago, though, we were camping with several other couples. A couple of the mamas, their kids, and Sadie and I were sitting around the campfire when Sadie asked to nurse. I mostly felt comfortable nursing in front of these women, but they are relatively new friends and I don't really know how they feel about breastfeeding. I wasn't sure how I felt about nursing in front of these womens' husbands, but could have talked myself into getting over that. The thing that gave me the most pause, was that I was nervous about the reaction of Sadie's three-year old playmate and the other kiddos. I've never seen it as my job to "teach" other people, through example, about breastfeeding. But I do know that when I nurse in front of people who are not familiar or comfortable, that it can be a good learning experience. I guess I just didn't feel up to it that day.

I ended up finding a beautiful, quiet spot in the woods where Sadie and I nursed and then spent some more time listening to the birds and talking about what we saw in the trees. And that was a more relaxing, special moment anyway, than if we were trying to nurse in the midst of the whole group. But I've found myself mulling over the feelings I experienced in that situation.

Later during that same camping trip, when the entire group was sitting around camp, somehow Brian got around to telling a story about Sadie asking to nurse. The gist of it was describing what I mentioned before, how when I walk in the door that's the only thing she wants to do. Like I said, these were somewhat new friends, and I wasn't sure if they were all aware that Sadie still nurses at the age of 2 1/2. In a way, it was nice that Brian was just getting that information out there in the open. At the same time, I felt a bit shy about him telling everyone this so casually. But I know that was just my natural instinct to be private about something that is not that common in our society.

But as I've thought about that moment several times over the past couple weeks, the overall feeling I end up with is pride in my husband. I'm so proud and thankful that he feels no shame or embarrassment about this (he shouldn't!). In a way, I think he's proud of the fact that our family still has a nursing toddler. I think he likes that it makes us a bit different from other friends in this regard. That attitude from him helps remind me to snap out of it when I'm feeling self-conscious or shy about our nursing.

And after all, this parenting thing is teamwork. Although my nursing relationship with Sadie is mostly about the two of us, Brian is and always has been a part of the relationship too. I absolutely could not have made it this far without Brian's support and encouragement.

So, now what? Well, that I can't answer yet. I've clearly flown right past the two year mark and see no end in sight. I have started talking to Sadie about nursing in a way she can understand. While she screamed at me when I was in the shower last week I continued to explain to her that when she acts that way it doesn't make me want to nurse. I try to limit our nursing to when I get home from work and before bed (and in the morning when I'm there). I enforce and insist upon nursing "manners". And I'm taking it day by day.

I'm also educating myself about the concepts of child-led weaning. Child-led weaning means trusting your child and having confidence that your child knows what she needs. It means trusting yourself enough to ignore a society that claims to know your child better than you do. I'm reminding myself about the benefits of nursing past infancy. I'm rereading this great book. And I'm taking a deep breath, relaxing, looking into my daughters beautiful blue eyes, and reveling in the joy and beauty of this relationship.

Working Mama Blues...and A Change in Perspective

When I started writing this post the title accurately described how I was feeling. I definitely had the working mama blues. Although those blues certainly aren't gone (and I'm sure they'll return again and again for the rest of my working days), I've had some serious changes in perspective in the past month or so....

As soon as I got pregnant, I found myself reaching out for resources that supported the parenting style I've always felt inclined towards. I was so excited to find an online community of natural mamas whose mothering really inspired me. I wanted to (and really still do) be just like these mamas who were able to sew and knit the entirety of their children's wardrobes, garden, make homemade toys and books, create magical fairy gardens in the backyard, take daily nature walks, bake all their family's bread, etc.... For some reason it took me a really long time to realize that this is possible for these women because THEY DON'T WORK FULLTIME OUTSIDE THE HOME!! Duh! Why this took me so long to realize is beyond me.

I'm also continually inspired by many of my closest girlfriends, who spend lots of time with their children embarking on educational, exciting, creative adventures throughout the week. And their homes are always immaculate and spotless (something I also strive for). But guess what! These mothers also DON'T WORK FULLTIME OUTSIDE THE HOME! Again duh.

I've been trying to live up to these ideals of the women I admire (in real life and on the internet) without taking into account what is actually possible for my own circumstances.

And then I started whining about "having" to work. I told myself and others that I need to just suck it up, because "it's not really a choice for us financially". And although I enjoy my career, I continued to talk about it in these terms to myself and to everyone else. I talked about how I'm not sure I would thrive as a fulltime stay-at-home mama, but internally, I wished I had the option to devote myself fully to raising my child.

Well, I finally decided that if I'm reaching out to stay-at-home mothering resources...why on earth am I not reaching out to working mother resources? Surely there are mothers out there who are so-called "attachment" parents, who breastfeed their babies past their maternity leave, who cook and bake and create and craft, who make informed consumer decisions for their families....and still have careers outside their homes.

And there are certainly some resources out there that have helped me as I try to realign my perspective. blue milk is a great blog written by a feminist, working mother. There's a vibrant student and working mamas forum on Mothering magazine's website which has been a great community for me to reach out to on my toughest days.

I'm also reminding myself to talk to the women in my own family...namely my own mother, my mother-in-law, and my aunts Cathy and Barbara about their experiences as working mothers. These women have all had very successful, fulfilling careers while raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted, successful children. I'm looking forward to talking to each of them more as time goes on. (Why am I taking so much inspiration from strangers on the internet and not using the resources in my life I trust the most?)

I recently read a great book called The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? by Leslie Bennetts. (well, actually, I listened to the audio book....a new working mama trick so I can use my commute to its full advantage!)

It might seem a bit extreme to say this, but I actually think this book changed my life. Bennetts talks a lot (and maybe was a bit repetitive on this point) about the financial vulnerability of stay-at-home mothers in the event of death, divorce or illness. When a woman leaves her career to raise her children full-time, she's putting her entire financial security in the hands of another person, which may end up being a bad decision for herself and her children if something unforseen or tragic happens to her spouse or if the marriage goes downhill. She also talks about the difficulty many women have getting back into the workforce when they have removed themselves from it for several years while they raised their young children (she gives the statistic that women lose 37 percent of their earning power when they spend three or more years out of the workplace.) These arguments were well laid out and resonated with me.

But the part of this book that was so important for me was when Bennetts discussed the benefits to women when they maintain a successful, thriving career even while raising children. Through impressive research and interviews with experts and with real women, she explains how working women tend to have more successful and happy marriages, and how these women are more fulfilled personally throughout their lives. After their children leave home, working women still have their work to focus on and satisfy them. Working mothers are empowered knowing that they are able to support themselves and their children if life doesn't go the way they planned.

She also is very realistic about the fact that it's not easy or pretty being a fulltime working mother. She reminds women that "...the absorbing, exhausting, exhilarating years of tending to small children actually make up a relatively small portion of your adult life" and encourages working mothers to look at it as a marathon.....the first 15 years of your children's life will be tough if you are working outside the home. It will be frantic and stressful and messy. But Bennetts reminds us that it will be worth it!


So, here are some thoughts for now which are inspiring me. As I take on more responsibility at the company I work for, these ideas are going to be so important for me to keep in mind......

• This IS a choice I'm making, and I should be proud of it.
• Ever since Sadie was born, my expectations for myself have been unrealistically high....I want to be 100% best mother, homemaker, wife, neighbor, friend, and employee at ALL times. I can't be the best at everything at all times. There will be times when one thing has to give in order for me to make the other a priority for the moment.
• I'm so thankful that I had two years to be primary caregiver to my daughter and have had the luxury of waiting until she's nearly 2 years old before working 40 hours a week (without having to leave the workforce completely).
• I am thankful to work for the company I do. I do not work 60+ hours a week. I am home to spend time with my daughter every day after work. That's more than a lot of working mothers have.
• I want to continually remind myself to look at the long view
• It would be infinitely more difficult to be a working mother without a supportive husband who is willing to share domestic duties equally. That's also more than a lot of working mothers have.
  
• I'm learning to be o.k. with the fact that this is really hard for me. I recognize and am trying to embrace that there will be times when I am about to lose my mind and I turn into a complete and total crazy lady (not sure how o.k. with this my husband is, though.....) I need to just find the strength to weather the storm during those times.
• Although I will always identify myself as a mother, my identity cannot be 100% defined by being a mother.
• It takes a village to raise a child! And what a village we have. I'm so thankful that Sadie is surrounded by love every moment that she's away from me.
• I WILL stop looking at work as an obligation and expressing it that way to others. My work is a choice with immense rewards and benefits to my family.
• My work is exciting, challenging, and empowering. That makes me a better role model and friend to my daughter in the long run.

Oh. And I've hired a house cleaner.

Swirling Thoughts On a Tough Day

Wow, am I a busy mama. I'm working fulltime, mothering fulltime, breastfeeding, studying 5-6 days a week, bookclubbing, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, house concert hosting, bread baking, blogging, sewing, knitting, band practicing, gardening, reading, serving as president of RMAEP, traveling, camping, researching childcare options for Sadie, etc, etc, etc!

Some days I feel like superwoman! Some days I am on top of all of this. I go to bed with a great sense of accomplishment for all that I've done in one day. Then there are days when I feel so busy I can't even sleep and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this constant struggle for balance lately. The things that I've taken on are either for my career/professional development (RMAEP, professional geologist test), or for the enrichment of my marriage and my family (festivals, cooking, gardening, house concerts, band practice, making time for friends and family). Some of them are for my own personal well-being (bookclub, therapy, Weight Watchers), but that's just as important too.

Yes, I have a lot of things that fill up my life. And I'm a pretty high strung person. But the thing is, I'm proud of those qualities. I think that the things that fill up my life make me a more interesting person, and hopefully a better employee, parent, friend, sister, daughter, and wife. I recognize that there are times that all of it builds up and the stress overwhelms me. I'm working on changing how I react at those specific times. But I truly don't feel that way all the time. Most of the time I just feel really proud and accomplished at the end of the day for juggling all the things I do. I love that my life is rich and full and I don't apologize for it.

But I don't want it to negatively impact my marriage or my role as a mother to Sadie. That's what ends up overwhelming me sometimes, is finding that balance. And finding that balance has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do since having Sadie. It has completely thrown me against the wall. I used to always feel on top of everything. Now there are more times when I don't, and that's because I do feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. But even under that circumstance, I feel like I deal with it pretty well. I still smile and laugh and kiss and hug and sing every day. Despite all the things I have on my mind and on my plate, I'd like to think that most people who know me would say I'm a happy, cheerful, fun-loving person who really sees the beauty in life and lives life to its fullest.

So, that's how I see myself most of the time....but there are days that I'm not so sure. There are days when I think maybe I'm kidding myself about how I project myself in the world. I want Sadie to see those good qualities in me as she grows up. I want to be a model for her of how to live life to its fullest. But is she only going to see a stressed out, frazzled mom with too much on her plate?

Breast Is Best !!

World Breastfeeding Week (WBW) is the greatest outreach vehicle for the breastfeeding movement, being celebrated in over 120 countries. Officially it is celebrated from 1-7 August.

I'm proud to be a breastfeeding mama to Sadie (still going strong at 18 months) and proud to support other mothers in their efforts to give their babies what is best for them.

Some of my favorite breastfeeding quotes (I love the Quote Garden), in honor of World Breastfeeding Week.

A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three. ~Grantly Dick-Read

While breastfeeding may not seem the right choice for every parent, it is the best choice for every baby. ~Amy Spangler

My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard. ~David Allen

Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy. ~Robert A. Heinlein

A baby nursing at a mother's breast... is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature. ~David Suzuki

If a multinational company developed a product that was a nutritionally balanced and delicious food, a wonder drug that both prevented and treated disease, cost almost nothing to produce and could be delivered in quantities controlled by the consumers' needs, the very announcement of their find would send their shares rocketing to the top of the stock market. The scientists who developed the product would win prizes and the wealth and influence of everyone involved would increase dramatically. Women have been producing such a miraculous substance, breastmilk, since the beginning of human existence. ~Gabrielle Palmer

Breastfeeding is a mother's gift to herself, her baby, and the earth. ~Pamela K. Wiggins

Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how love works, in a way. You don't decide how much and how deeply to love - you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want. ~Marni Jackson

Breastfeeding is a gift that lasts a lifetime. ~Author Unknown

When she first felt her son's groping mouth attach itself to her breast, a wave of sweet vibration thrilled deep inside and radiated to all parts of her body; it was similar to love, but it went beyond a lover's caress, it brought a great calm happiness, a great happy calm. ~Milan Kundera

Ah, the joy of suckling! She lovingly watched the fishlike motions of the toothless mouth and she imagined that with her milk there flowed into her little son her deepest thoughts, concepts, and dreams. ~Milan Kundera

When an actress takes off her clothes onscreen but a nursing mother is told to leave, what message do we send about the roles of women? In some ways we're as committed to the old madonna-whore dichotomy as ever. And the madonna stays home, feeding the baby behind the blinds, a vestige of those days when for a lady to venture out was a flagrant act of public exposure. ~Anna Quindlen

When we trust the makers of baby formula more than we do our own ability to nourish our babies, we lose a chance to claim an aspect of our power as women. Thinking that baby formula is as good as breast milk is believing that thirty years of technology is superior to three million years of nature's evolution. Countless women have regained trust in their bodies through nursing their children, even if they weren't sure at first that they could do it. It is an act of female power, and I think of it as feminism in its purest form. ~Christine Northrup

I am beautiful as I am. I am the shape that was gifted. My breasts are no longer perky and upright like when I was a teenager. My hips are wider than that of a fashion model's. For this I am glad, for these are the signs of a life lived. ~Cindy Olsen, co-owner of The Body Objective

And how awesome is Sesame Street?? You'd never see this on TV these days!

SLEEP

Pronunciation: \ˈslēp\

Definition: the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored

Wow, what a crazy couple of months we've had. Way back at the beginning of October, things changed in our house and our family. Although there have been small challenges along the way, for the most part, Brian and I have had it relatively easy with this new baby of ours. Sadie has rarely been fussy, we didn't have any trouble with breastfeeding, she responds well to change, after a few hiccups she adapted to a bottle for the days when I'm at work, she's taken to solid foods very easily, she travels well, she's had barely a touch of diaper rash, and she's overall a very happy, sweet baby.

Sometimes I'd tell myself..."this is much too easy". This can't last....

And then back at the beginning of October, when Sadie was about 7 months old, she started having trouble sleeping. At the time, she was sleeping in her crib for naps and at night, after moving out of our room at about 4 months old. When she started sleeping in her crib, it seemed to be what she wanted. After waking up several times a night when she was sleeping right next to me, we decided to see how she did in her own room, as an experiment. And she slept through the night! Every single night for several months!

Wow, were we impressed. And thankful to not be experiencing the sleep deprivation that new parents so often talk about.

Well, starting a couple months ago, Sadie starting waking up at night, crying out to us from her crib. I would automatically do what we do when she's napping during the day, and what seems natural to me....immediately respond to her cries. I'd go into her room, pick her up, soothe her in whatever way she needed, and gently put her back to sleep. This was easy enough...and despite the interrupted sleep, she would go back down fairly quickly and I'd go back to bed.

Well, then things started getting a bit tougher. At first, she would just be waking up several times a night, and I was starting to get tired of getting up so often. But, we still felt like it was manageable. As it became clear that she probably didn't need to be nursing every time she woke up, Brian and I started alternating when she'd call out to us. After a couple weeks, however, she started taking a LONG time to fall back asleep. All our tricks came out of the bag, every single time she woke up. Nursing, rocking, bouncing on the exercise ball, singing, soft music and even being worn in her sling would eventually get her to sleep (sometimes after 2-3 hours), only for her to wake up again (sometimes within an hour after finally getting her back to sleep). This meant that many nights we were only getting a few hours of sleep.

At first we told ourselves that this is what having a baby is about, and we didn't worry or complain about it too much. Although we thought this might be a phase, or related to teething, we smiled, took naps when we could, and kept at it.

After weeks and weeks turned into months, we started to get worried. And seriously delirious. And frustrated. We recognized that it was time to start thinking long and hard about what was happening with our little girl, and more importantly, how we were going to respond to these new habits of hers. We were worried about how frustrated we were getting in the middle of the night. We worried that we were so focused on being good parents to her at night, that we weren't being the best parents we could be during the day. We were worried that the extreme sleep deprivation we were experiencing was affecting our marriage, our jobs, our health, and our sanity. We were worried about how long this would last....and if we could last as long as it took.

And in the back of our heads, we were wondering if we were doing the right thing. It certainly felt right. The most natural thing to me as a mother is to respond to my baby's cries. Every time she cries. No matter how often, what time, or why. Every time.

But there are very different schools of thought on this question. As we've been going through this journey, we've heard from friends, relatives, acquaintances, and perfect strangers...

LET THAT BABY CRY IT OUT!

She's manipulating you!

She doesn't need you for anything at this age!

etc...etc...etc...

And I don't begrudge these opinions and advice...in fact, I've sort of asked for them by sharing my struggles with anyone and everyone who has asked. I'm sure if I'd smiled, put some concealer on the bags under my eyes, brushed my hair and said, "Yes, my daughter is sleeping through the night...everything is just fine" I wouldn't have received these comments.

This issue is very controversial and I believe it is the personal decision of every parent. Of course, there is scientific evidence that letting a baby "cry-it-out" can be harmful to the baby and the effects can be longlasting (even into adulthood). However, I'm sure there is also scientific evidence to the contrary. As my pediatrician said (and he made sure to mention that he was quoting John Lennon...I LOVE our pediatrician!)...it's Whatever Gets You Through the Night.

Overall, I've been operating on pure instinct. I strongly believe that trusting in my maternal instinct is the only way for me to know what's best for Sadie. In modern times, there is so much information available, and so many experts trying to tell us what's best for our babies, that many people in our society have stopped listening to their own internal instincts when it comes to parenting. I find it interesting that the U.S. is one of the only countries in the world that routinely forces babies to sleep by themselves. I don't think that's because it feels right, I think it's because that what we're told is "best" for the baby. How can letting a baby cry until they vomit be what's "best" for them? How can I let the person I love most in the world cry and cry and ignore her? I wouldn't ignore another adult, friend, partner, parent, dog, or complete stranger on the street if they were crying out to me, so why on earth would I do it to my own daughter? I believe that when Sadie cries, it is because she is trying to tell me something, because crying is her best form of communication at this age.

Early on in my pregnancy I knew that I would be more of an "attachment" parent. Through the research I've done and conversations I've had with other parents, I believe that attachment parenting is the best choice for our family. Some of the principles of Attachment Parenting are:

Feed with Love and Respect: Sadie has been exclusively breastfed since birth, and I breastfeed on demand

Respond with Sensitivity: To me this means responding gently when Sadie cries. I believe that babies need their parents to soothe themselves. Although she can help soothe and calm herself, I believe that one of my roles as Sadie's mother is to calm and soothe her in all circumstances.

Use Nurturing Touch: Skin to skin contact, massage, and babywearing are common throughout Sadie's day and are important tools for soothing her both during the day and when she wakes at night.

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally: Sadie's needs at night are no different than her needs during the day. My job as her mother is to meet these needs, whether they are for food, touch, company, or comfort.

The bottom line of this whole long response of mine is that we want Sadie to trust us...to know that when she needs and/or wants us, we'll come to her. No matter what. For the rest of her life.

So...where do things stand now?

Well, about 3 weeks ago, when Sadie started waking every 30-60 minutes some nights, I tried again to have her return to our bed. I think that cosleeping is great for babies and for parents, especially for breastfeeding mothers. Cosleeping (sleeping in the same room, not necessarily in the same bed) allows parents to immediately respond to baby's cries and can help the entire family get more sleep. After a few rough nights of having to teach Sadie that our bed is a place for sleeping (not for climbing, clapping, talking and/or pulling mama's hair), things have been SO MUCH BETTER! Although Sadie was still waking up several times a night, most of the time, she would snuggle up to me, and peacefully go back to sleep. This seems like the perfect solution to me and for the first time in months I feel like I can break out of this sleep deprivation fog I've been living in. I'm not sobbing every day in desperation, frustration and sadness. I'm not fighting with my husband for no apparent reason. I'm able to focus on my work and have the energy to run and play with Sadie all day. And I seriously love cuddling up and feeling the warmth of my baby next to me all night.

And then I left for 48 hours this past weekend. And after a rough Friday night, Brian was happy to report that Sadie slept all night in her crib Saturday night. She woke several times throughout the night, but put herself back to sleep each time, without crying! Hallelujah! I was sure that she had finally given up that her mama wasn't coming home and decided that it was probably time for her to get her act together with this sleep thing. And I completely expected that Sunday night, upon my return, she'd be back to her old habits.

But...

The last two nights, we've put Sadie to sleep at 7 p.m. and didn't see her smiling face until 7 a.m. Didn't hear a peep, didn't open the door, and slept soundly...all night... in our king-sized bed.

SLEEP, GLORIOUS SLEEP.