Swirling Thoughts On a Tough Day

Wow, am I a busy mama. I'm working fulltime, mothering fulltime, breastfeeding, studying 5-6 days a week, bookclubbing, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, house concert hosting, bread baking, blogging, sewing, knitting, band practicing, gardening, reading, serving as president of RMAEP, traveling, camping, researching childcare options for Sadie, etc, etc, etc!

Some days I feel like superwoman! Some days I am on top of all of this. I go to bed with a great sense of accomplishment for all that I've done in one day. Then there are days when I feel so busy I can't even sleep and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this constant struggle for balance lately. The things that I've taken on are either for my career/professional development (RMAEP, professional geologist test), or for the enrichment of my marriage and my family (festivals, cooking, gardening, house concerts, band practice, making time for friends and family). Some of them are for my own personal well-being (bookclub, therapy, Weight Watchers), but that's just as important too.

Yes, I have a lot of things that fill up my life. And I'm a pretty high strung person. But the thing is, I'm proud of those qualities. I think that the things that fill up my life make me a more interesting person, and hopefully a better employee, parent, friend, sister, daughter, and wife. I recognize that there are times that all of it builds up and the stress overwhelms me. I'm working on changing how I react at those specific times. But I truly don't feel that way all the time. Most of the time I just feel really proud and accomplished at the end of the day for juggling all the things I do. I love that my life is rich and full and I don't apologize for it.

But I don't want it to negatively impact my marriage or my role as a mother to Sadie. That's what ends up overwhelming me sometimes, is finding that balance. And finding that balance has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do since having Sadie. It has completely thrown me against the wall. I used to always feel on top of everything. Now there are more times when I don't, and that's because I do feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. But even under that circumstance, I feel like I deal with it pretty well. I still smile and laugh and kiss and hug and sing every day. Despite all the things I have on my mind and on my plate, I'd like to think that most people who know me would say I'm a happy, cheerful, fun-loving person who really sees the beauty in life and lives life to its fullest.

So, that's how I see myself most of the time....but there are days that I'm not so sure. There are days when I think maybe I'm kidding myself about how I project myself in the world. I want Sadie to see those good qualities in me as she grows up. I want to be a model for her of how to live life to its fullest. But is she only going to see a stressed out, frazzled mom with too much on her plate?