I Make Milk, What's Your Superpower?

Yep, Sadie and I are still breastfeeding. Mostly happily.
As soon as I decided that I would be a breastfeeding mama, I knew that I would be very committed to it. I believe so strongly in the benefits of this relationship for both mamas and babies. I believe that this is the single most important gift I have given my child, to date.

And it certainly hasn't always been easy. As a full-time working mother, it was a serious commitment and sacrifice to maintain my milk supply in those early days. I laugh when I think about some of the ridiculous situations in which I pumped. (covered in mud, hunched down in my truck, while an all-male drill crew worked just out of sight comes to mind...).

I think I always intended to nurse until Sadie turned two. That's the recommendation of the World Health Organization, other respected pediatric groups, Sadie's pediatrician, and some other nursing mamas I know. But I never really thought about what that meant. I guess I just thought we would magically be done when Sadie turned two. Then when Sadie started to near her second birthday, it became clear that if I was really determined to be done, it wasn't going to be easy. At all. I reached out to the very few women I know who nursed past their child's first birthday. And I started paying more attention to Sadie and what her needs/wants are when it comes to nursing. I told Sadie's pediatrician (who is very breastfeeding supportive) that I was "in no hurry" but that I was interested in moving in the direction of weaning. His advice to me was a common saying when it comes to gently weaning toddlers, "Don't Offer, Don't Refuse". Sounds reasonable, right?

Well, let me just tell you that I never offer. Never. I don't get the chance to really. The minute I walk in the door after work, before a hug and kiss, Sadie asks to nurse. And she's VERY insistent about it. She will not take no for an answer.

It's true that Sadie does not NEED to nurse anymore, from a nutritional standpoint. But that doesn't mean she doesn't need to nurse anymore. What I know in my heart is that this is her best way to reconnect with me after missing each other all day. I don't see Sadie before I go to work in the morning...so when I get home from work, we've been apart for 22 hours :(. And she knows that when we are nursing, I am 100% focused on her and it is a special time for us to be physically and emotionally close.

Sadie is also a sensitive little one who is very attached to her mama, and I believe that she benefits greatly from the comfort and security that nursing brings. I also know that it is my very best (and easiest) tool to help her calm down when she is upset, angry, or hurt. It is a very important part of our bedtime routine, and although she has no problem going to sleep for her dad or her grandparents, if I'm the one putting her to sleep, we both love having that time to snuggle in close and quiet down from the business of the day.

But there are also times that I am ready, READY, to be done. It's not always sweet and comforting for me. There are times that my body and its particular hormonal state that day are not in the mood to nurse. There are times, like last week, when I came home from a long after-work run, sweatier than I've ever been in my life, and all Sadie wanted to do was nurse. I literally had to peel my sports bra off of me and get in the shower while listening to her scream for 20 minutes because I absolutely just couldn't bring myself to nurse until I'd washed all the sweat and grime off my body. And then there are times when I find myself feeling self-conscious about nursing Sadie.

When Sadie was younger, I had absolutely no qualms about nursing in public. I nursed her discreetly while eating with friends in a busy restaurant, at concerts and festivals, in front of her great-grandparents at the dinner table, on the airplane, and while walking around my neighborhood. I'm so thankful that unlike many, many women in this country, I was never chided for it or asked to leave a public place. I also like to think that through these actions I've made some formerly squeamish friends and family members more comfortable with breastfeeding and helped them to realize that it's a perfectly natural way to nourish your baby and is absolutely not something that must be done in private.

But....now that Sadie's a bit older and I'm the only person in my immediate group of family and friends who has nursed to this age, I'm more aware of when and where I nurse Sadie. Unlike some toddlers, Sadie doesn't often insist on nursing when we're in public. She tends to get distracted and excited about whatever activity we're engaged in and it doesn't cross her mind. If we are in someone's home, I can usually say, o.k., it's time to go have some quiet time, and we'll find a quiet place to nurse.

A couple weekends ago, though, we were camping with several other couples. A couple of the mamas, their kids, and Sadie and I were sitting around the campfire when Sadie asked to nurse. I mostly felt comfortable nursing in front of these women, but they are relatively new friends and I don't really know how they feel about breastfeeding. I wasn't sure how I felt about nursing in front of these womens' husbands, but could have talked myself into getting over that. The thing that gave me the most pause, was that I was nervous about the reaction of Sadie's three-year old playmate and the other kiddos. I've never seen it as my job to "teach" other people, through example, about breastfeeding. But I do know that when I nurse in front of people who are not familiar or comfortable, that it can be a good learning experience. I guess I just didn't feel up to it that day.

I ended up finding a beautiful, quiet spot in the woods where Sadie and I nursed and then spent some more time listening to the birds and talking about what we saw in the trees. And that was a more relaxing, special moment anyway, than if we were trying to nurse in the midst of the whole group. But I've found myself mulling over the feelings I experienced in that situation.

Later during that same camping trip, when the entire group was sitting around camp, somehow Brian got around to telling a story about Sadie asking to nurse. The gist of it was describing what I mentioned before, how when I walk in the door that's the only thing she wants to do. Like I said, these were somewhat new friends, and I wasn't sure if they were all aware that Sadie still nurses at the age of 2 1/2. In a way, it was nice that Brian was just getting that information out there in the open. At the same time, I felt a bit shy about him telling everyone this so casually. But I know that was just my natural instinct to be private about something that is not that common in our society.

But as I've thought about that moment several times over the past couple weeks, the overall feeling I end up with is pride in my husband. I'm so proud and thankful that he feels no shame or embarrassment about this (he shouldn't!). In a way, I think he's proud of the fact that our family still has a nursing toddler. I think he likes that it makes us a bit different from other friends in this regard. That attitude from him helps remind me to snap out of it when I'm feeling self-conscious or shy about our nursing.

And after all, this parenting thing is teamwork. Although my nursing relationship with Sadie is mostly about the two of us, Brian is and always has been a part of the relationship too. I absolutely could not have made it this far without Brian's support and encouragement.

So, now what? Well, that I can't answer yet. I've clearly flown right past the two year mark and see no end in sight. I have started talking to Sadie about nursing in a way she can understand. While she screamed at me when I was in the shower last week I continued to explain to her that when she acts that way it doesn't make me want to nurse. I try to limit our nursing to when I get home from work and before bed (and in the morning when I'm there). I enforce and insist upon nursing "manners". And I'm taking it day by day.

I'm also educating myself about the concepts of child-led weaning. Child-led weaning means trusting your child and having confidence that your child knows what she needs. It means trusting yourself enough to ignore a society that claims to know your child better than you do. I'm reminding myself about the benefits of nursing past infancy. I'm rereading this great book. And I'm taking a deep breath, relaxing, looking into my daughters beautiful blue eyes, and reveling in the joy and beauty of this relationship.

Breast Is Best !!

World Breastfeeding Week (WBW) is the greatest outreach vehicle for the breastfeeding movement, being celebrated in over 120 countries. Officially it is celebrated from 1-7 August.

I'm proud to be a breastfeeding mama to Sadie (still going strong at 18 months) and proud to support other mothers in their efforts to give their babies what is best for them.

Some of my favorite breastfeeding quotes (I love the Quote Garden), in honor of World Breastfeeding Week.

A newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three. ~Grantly Dick-Read

While breastfeeding may not seem the right choice for every parent, it is the best choice for every baby. ~Amy Spangler

My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard. ~David Allen

Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy. ~Robert A. Heinlein

A baby nursing at a mother's breast... is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature. ~David Suzuki

If a multinational company developed a product that was a nutritionally balanced and delicious food, a wonder drug that both prevented and treated disease, cost almost nothing to produce and could be delivered in quantities controlled by the consumers' needs, the very announcement of their find would send their shares rocketing to the top of the stock market. The scientists who developed the product would win prizes and the wealth and influence of everyone involved would increase dramatically. Women have been producing such a miraculous substance, breastmilk, since the beginning of human existence. ~Gabrielle Palmer

Breastfeeding is a mother's gift to herself, her baby, and the earth. ~Pamela K. Wiggins

Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how love works, in a way. You don't decide how much and how deeply to love - you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want. ~Marni Jackson

Breastfeeding is a gift that lasts a lifetime. ~Author Unknown

When she first felt her son's groping mouth attach itself to her breast, a wave of sweet vibration thrilled deep inside and radiated to all parts of her body; it was similar to love, but it went beyond a lover's caress, it brought a great calm happiness, a great happy calm. ~Milan Kundera

Ah, the joy of suckling! She lovingly watched the fishlike motions of the toothless mouth and she imagined that with her milk there flowed into her little son her deepest thoughts, concepts, and dreams. ~Milan Kundera

When an actress takes off her clothes onscreen but a nursing mother is told to leave, what message do we send about the roles of women? In some ways we're as committed to the old madonna-whore dichotomy as ever. And the madonna stays home, feeding the baby behind the blinds, a vestige of those days when for a lady to venture out was a flagrant act of public exposure. ~Anna Quindlen

When we trust the makers of baby formula more than we do our own ability to nourish our babies, we lose a chance to claim an aspect of our power as women. Thinking that baby formula is as good as breast milk is believing that thirty years of technology is superior to three million years of nature's evolution. Countless women have regained trust in their bodies through nursing their children, even if they weren't sure at first that they could do it. It is an act of female power, and I think of it as feminism in its purest form. ~Christine Northrup

I am beautiful as I am. I am the shape that was gifted. My breasts are no longer perky and upright like when I was a teenager. My hips are wider than that of a fashion model's. For this I am glad, for these are the signs of a life lived. ~Cindy Olsen, co-owner of The Body Objective

And how awesome is Sesame Street?? You'd never see this on TV these days!

SLEEP

Pronunciation: \ˈslēp\

Definition: the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored

Wow, what a crazy couple of months we've had. Way back at the beginning of October, things changed in our house and our family. Although there have been small challenges along the way, for the most part, Brian and I have had it relatively easy with this new baby of ours. Sadie has rarely been fussy, we didn't have any trouble with breastfeeding, she responds well to change, after a few hiccups she adapted to a bottle for the days when I'm at work, she's taken to solid foods very easily, she travels well, she's had barely a touch of diaper rash, and she's overall a very happy, sweet baby.

Sometimes I'd tell myself..."this is much too easy". This can't last....

And then back at the beginning of October, when Sadie was about 7 months old, she started having trouble sleeping. At the time, she was sleeping in her crib for naps and at night, after moving out of our room at about 4 months old. When she started sleeping in her crib, it seemed to be what she wanted. After waking up several times a night when she was sleeping right next to me, we decided to see how she did in her own room, as an experiment. And she slept through the night! Every single night for several months!

Wow, were we impressed. And thankful to not be experiencing the sleep deprivation that new parents so often talk about.

Well, starting a couple months ago, Sadie starting waking up at night, crying out to us from her crib. I would automatically do what we do when she's napping during the day, and what seems natural to me....immediately respond to her cries. I'd go into her room, pick her up, soothe her in whatever way she needed, and gently put her back to sleep. This was easy enough...and despite the interrupted sleep, she would go back down fairly quickly and I'd go back to bed.

Well, then things started getting a bit tougher. At first, she would just be waking up several times a night, and I was starting to get tired of getting up so often. But, we still felt like it was manageable. As it became clear that she probably didn't need to be nursing every time she woke up, Brian and I started alternating when she'd call out to us. After a couple weeks, however, she started taking a LONG time to fall back asleep. All our tricks came out of the bag, every single time she woke up. Nursing, rocking, bouncing on the exercise ball, singing, soft music and even being worn in her sling would eventually get her to sleep (sometimes after 2-3 hours), only for her to wake up again (sometimes within an hour after finally getting her back to sleep). This meant that many nights we were only getting a few hours of sleep.

At first we told ourselves that this is what having a baby is about, and we didn't worry or complain about it too much. Although we thought this might be a phase, or related to teething, we smiled, took naps when we could, and kept at it.

After weeks and weeks turned into months, we started to get worried. And seriously delirious. And frustrated. We recognized that it was time to start thinking long and hard about what was happening with our little girl, and more importantly, how we were going to respond to these new habits of hers. We were worried about how frustrated we were getting in the middle of the night. We worried that we were so focused on being good parents to her at night, that we weren't being the best parents we could be during the day. We were worried that the extreme sleep deprivation we were experiencing was affecting our marriage, our jobs, our health, and our sanity. We were worried about how long this would last....and if we could last as long as it took.

And in the back of our heads, we were wondering if we were doing the right thing. It certainly felt right. The most natural thing to me as a mother is to respond to my baby's cries. Every time she cries. No matter how often, what time, or why. Every time.

But there are very different schools of thought on this question. As we've been going through this journey, we've heard from friends, relatives, acquaintances, and perfect strangers...

LET THAT BABY CRY IT OUT!

She's manipulating you!

She doesn't need you for anything at this age!

etc...etc...etc...

And I don't begrudge these opinions and advice...in fact, I've sort of asked for them by sharing my struggles with anyone and everyone who has asked. I'm sure if I'd smiled, put some concealer on the bags under my eyes, brushed my hair and said, "Yes, my daughter is sleeping through the night...everything is just fine" I wouldn't have received these comments.

This issue is very controversial and I believe it is the personal decision of every parent. Of course, there is scientific evidence that letting a baby "cry-it-out" can be harmful to the baby and the effects can be longlasting (even into adulthood). However, I'm sure there is also scientific evidence to the contrary. As my pediatrician said (and he made sure to mention that he was quoting John Lennon...I LOVE our pediatrician!)...it's Whatever Gets You Through the Night.

Overall, I've been operating on pure instinct. I strongly believe that trusting in my maternal instinct is the only way for me to know what's best for Sadie. In modern times, there is so much information available, and so many experts trying to tell us what's best for our babies, that many people in our society have stopped listening to their own internal instincts when it comes to parenting. I find it interesting that the U.S. is one of the only countries in the world that routinely forces babies to sleep by themselves. I don't think that's because it feels right, I think it's because that what we're told is "best" for the baby. How can letting a baby cry until they vomit be what's "best" for them? How can I let the person I love most in the world cry and cry and ignore her? I wouldn't ignore another adult, friend, partner, parent, dog, or complete stranger on the street if they were crying out to me, so why on earth would I do it to my own daughter? I believe that when Sadie cries, it is because she is trying to tell me something, because crying is her best form of communication at this age.

Early on in my pregnancy I knew that I would be more of an "attachment" parent. Through the research I've done and conversations I've had with other parents, I believe that attachment parenting is the best choice for our family. Some of the principles of Attachment Parenting are:

Feed with Love and Respect: Sadie has been exclusively breastfed since birth, and I breastfeed on demand

Respond with Sensitivity: To me this means responding gently when Sadie cries. I believe that babies need their parents to soothe themselves. Although she can help soothe and calm herself, I believe that one of my roles as Sadie's mother is to calm and soothe her in all circumstances.

Use Nurturing Touch: Skin to skin contact, massage, and babywearing are common throughout Sadie's day and are important tools for soothing her both during the day and when she wakes at night.

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally: Sadie's needs at night are no different than her needs during the day. My job as her mother is to meet these needs, whether they are for food, touch, company, or comfort.

The bottom line of this whole long response of mine is that we want Sadie to trust us...to know that when she needs and/or wants us, we'll come to her. No matter what. For the rest of her life.

So...where do things stand now?

Well, about 3 weeks ago, when Sadie started waking every 30-60 minutes some nights, I tried again to have her return to our bed. I think that cosleeping is great for babies and for parents, especially for breastfeeding mothers. Cosleeping (sleeping in the same room, not necessarily in the same bed) allows parents to immediately respond to baby's cries and can help the entire family get more sleep. After a few rough nights of having to teach Sadie that our bed is a place for sleeping (not for climbing, clapping, talking and/or pulling mama's hair), things have been SO MUCH BETTER! Although Sadie was still waking up several times a night, most of the time, she would snuggle up to me, and peacefully go back to sleep. This seems like the perfect solution to me and for the first time in months I feel like I can break out of this sleep deprivation fog I've been living in. I'm not sobbing every day in desperation, frustration and sadness. I'm not fighting with my husband for no apparent reason. I'm able to focus on my work and have the energy to run and play with Sadie all day. And I seriously love cuddling up and feeling the warmth of my baby next to me all night.

And then I left for 48 hours this past weekend. And after a rough Friday night, Brian was happy to report that Sadie slept all night in her crib Saturday night. She woke several times throughout the night, but put herself back to sleep each time, without crying! Hallelujah! I was sure that she had finally given up that her mama wasn't coming home and decided that it was probably time for her to get her act together with this sleep thing. And I completely expected that Sunday night, upon my return, she'd be back to her old habits.

But...

The last two nights, we've put Sadie to sleep at 7 p.m. and didn't see her smiling face until 7 a.m. Didn't hear a peep, didn't open the door, and slept soundly...all night... in our king-sized bed.

SLEEP, GLORIOUS SLEEP.