Accountability

I'm trying something new here. It's not going to be easy, but I think it's necessary. This blog is somewhat of a safe space for me. Partly because I'm not convinced that anyone other than my mother and my husband actually read what's written here. And also because it's easier to be brutally honest in this somewhat anonymous place called a blog.

So, it's time for some accountability in my life, and I'm using this blog as a way to mix it up a bit.

I LOVE to eat. I sometimes LOVE to overeat. I don't love how I feel while I'm overeating, or afterward, but I sometimes have no control over it (or at least it feels that way).

I've worked really hard over the past 5 years (through Weight Watchers and in other ways) to rein in my habit of overeating. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how healthy and empowered I feel when I am in control of my eating habits. But that doesn't mean I always stick to it. It is so hard from me to constantly be vigilant about my eating habits. Sometimes I just get tired of having to work so hard at it.

I hold myself accountable for staying away from bad habits by going to my Weight Watchers meetings. I know a lot of people lose the weight they want to lose and then stop going to meetings and stop actively participating in the program. I'll never be that person. I will probably go to Weight Watchers meetings for the rest of my life. Even when I FINALLY (someday) reach my goal weight. It's that accountability thing.

Anyway, I'm needing a new way to hold myself accountable for my actions, because I'm feeling a bit out of control right now. So I'm going to start discussing my eating habits and their consequences on my blog for a while. And I'll start with the hard part. And then hopefully continue to have positive changes to discuss here.

So here goes. The hard part.

I've been within 3 pounds of my weight goal for 6 months. These last few pounds have been so hard for me. I make a lot of excuses....but it's behavior like this week's that is the reason I've had so much trouble.

(By the way....let me say that I have no aspirations to be Hollywood-skinny. I don't even want to be considered skinny. I think that word is so misconstrued in our thin-obsessed culture. I just want to be healthy.)

So, back to my bad behavior....The last few weeks have been full of distractions from my regular routine, celebrations, ordering in, and dinners with friends. I went into this week already feeling pretty bad about what I've eaten and how I've behaved recently. Monday I opened the halloween candy as trick-or-treaters started arriving on our street. And before anyone came home, and before anyone saw me, I probably ate (inhaled is more like it) 8 pieces of halloween candy. And continued to eat candy in this way for the rest of the night. I was eating it so quickly I didn't even taste it or enjoy it. And I felt sick afterward.

On Tuesday, the day I usually press the reset button and get my habits back on track (and the day I weigh in each week), I started off the morning with a chocolate glazed donut. A bit later, I ate the healthy breakfast I'd packed. For lunch, instead of eating the healthy lunch I'd packed, I stopped and scarfed down not one, but two huge Lauer Kraut sandwiches. Completely unnecessary and gluttonous. I overate at dinner, but managed to only have one piece of halloween candy afterward. When my generous (and well-meaning) neighbor brought homemade chocolate chip cookies over yesterday, I ate three immediately, and another one when Sadie got home.

I'm not proud to admit any of this here. These are not the eating habits that are going to help me lose these last few pounds. These are not habits that help me feel in control. This makes me feel out of control and disgusting and unhealthy and sad. This is not what I want for myself.

So. Enough with the sad story. Time for positive talk from here on out. I think that documenting my struggles and successes here will help me snap myself out of this current slippery slope I feel I'm on. So. What have I done right in the midst of all this?

• I have continued to go to the rec center three days a week and work very hard in my boot camp class. I like the way I look in the mirror. I'm stronger and more fit than I've ever been in my adult life, and I feel and look great.
• I went to Weight Watchers and weighed in! Accountability! It wasn't pretty. I gained 5 pounds in one week. Embarrassing. But, if I hadn't gone, I would have continued on the wrong path...and the bad news from the scale is what has encouraged me to shake things up a bit and turn things around.
• I went shopping (mostly unsuccessfully), and tried on several jackets, blouses, and sweaters. I automatically went for medium sized garments and found that those were all too big!!! I found that in most cases I needed a small! I can't remember the last time I bought a small anything! This was a good reminder of how far I've come in the past couple years with my weight loss. Even though I've fallen off track a bit recently, it doesn't diminish the successes I've had up until now!

I know that I will always struggle with my weight. I will always have to work hard to maintain a healthy weight. I will always have to fight against my tendency to binge and overeat and lose control. But I also know which I prefer. I prefer to be in control and healthy and energetic. I want to set a good example and be a good role model for my daughter about how to nourish yourself in a healthy way.