Soften Into Joy

Quote from Brené Brown via Soulemama

Haven't read Brené Brown's book, nor do I know what she means when she says this...but I saw this phrase today and it truly spoke to me and where I'm at right now.

Life is full.  Busy.  Hectic.  Frantic even. And although no one specifically asks me to do many of the things I fill my days with (other than work)...I sure do fill them up.  I often come to the end of a day, especially a weekend day which some people might consider using for relaxation and rest, and I feel utterly exhausted and depleted.  I look around at what I've accomplished and I feel satisfaction...but I'm beyond worn out.

And then often, without wanting it to happen, those feelings are followed immediately by resentment, anger, and bitterness that everyone else in my home might not be working nearly as hard as I am.  I think about all the things I've accomplished and compare them directly to what others around me have (or have not) accomplished in the same time period.  And that leads down a dark path that I don't like.  At all.  In those moments (which there seem to be a lot of lately), I try so hard to remind myself of a few things...

• again...no one is asking me to take on all the the things I take on
• I take them on because I WANT TO.  The cooking, baking, gardening, house concerts, decorating, crafting, community building, entertaining, and handmaking of gifts...these things bring joy to me, my family, and the people I love, and therefore shouldn't lead to negative feelings
• it's o.k. if other people choose to spend their free time in a different way.  That's why it's called free time.

So, during this busy season of the year and this busy season of my life...I choose to change my perspective.  I choose to either find joy in this busy-ness, or do something to change it.  I choose to honor the freedom of my family members to do what they want to with their free time.  I choose to recognize that these things I fill my days with truly do make my life joyful.  I declare that rather than diving headfirst into anger and resentment, I am choosing to Soften Into Joy.

Swirling Thoughts On a Tough Day

Wow, am I a busy mama. I'm working fulltime, mothering fulltime, breastfeeding, studying 5-6 days a week, bookclubbing, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, house concert hosting, bread baking, blogging, sewing, knitting, band practicing, gardening, reading, serving as president of RMAEP, traveling, camping, researching childcare options for Sadie, etc, etc, etc!

Some days I feel like superwoman! Some days I am on top of all of this. I go to bed with a great sense of accomplishment for all that I've done in one day. Then there are days when I feel so busy I can't even sleep and I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

I've been giving a lot of thought to this constant struggle for balance lately. The things that I've taken on are either for my career/professional development (RMAEP, professional geologist test), or for the enrichment of my marriage and my family (festivals, cooking, gardening, house concerts, band practice, making time for friends and family). Some of them are for my own personal well-being (bookclub, therapy, Weight Watchers), but that's just as important too.

Yes, I have a lot of things that fill up my life. And I'm a pretty high strung person. But the thing is, I'm proud of those qualities. I think that the things that fill up my life make me a more interesting person, and hopefully a better employee, parent, friend, sister, daughter, and wife. I recognize that there are times that all of it builds up and the stress overwhelms me. I'm working on changing how I react at those specific times. But I truly don't feel that way all the time. Most of the time I just feel really proud and accomplished at the end of the day for juggling all the things I do. I love that my life is rich and full and I don't apologize for it.

But I don't want it to negatively impact my marriage or my role as a mother to Sadie. That's what ends up overwhelming me sometimes, is finding that balance. And finding that balance has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do since having Sadie. It has completely thrown me against the wall. I used to always feel on top of everything. Now there are more times when I don't, and that's because I do feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. But even under that circumstance, I feel like I deal with it pretty well. I still smile and laugh and kiss and hug and sing every day. Despite all the things I have on my mind and on my plate, I'd like to think that most people who know me would say I'm a happy, cheerful, fun-loving person who really sees the beauty in life and lives life to its fullest.

So, that's how I see myself most of the time....but there are days that I'm not so sure. There are days when I think maybe I'm kidding myself about how I project myself in the world. I want Sadie to see those good qualities in me as she grows up. I want to be a model for her of how to live life to its fullest. But is she only going to see a stressed out, frazzled mom with too much on her plate?

A New Toy

It's a Kenmore Rotary sewing machine, Model 117-959, from 1948. I bought it from a nice woman in my neighborhood for $20.00.

Last time I used a sewing machine was in Home Economics class in 1990. And I was no good at it. I made a completely hideous and unwearable red shirt.

But I see such beautiful, hand sewn, crafty goodness out there on the Internet that I was curious if it would be something I'd like to try again.

So, there I was, with a sewing machine born the same year as my mother. And no idea what to do with it. It came with this ancient manual and box of confusing parts. But I spent a few nights poring over the manual, watching YouTube videos about how to thread a sewing machine, figured out what the heck a bobbin was, and took the plunge.

I bought myself a couple spools of thread and some funky fabrics.

My first project was a bookmark that I am using, but it really doesn't deserve to have its picture shown; it's quite pitiful. Then I made this sunglasses case. It's lined! And was supposed to have a drawstring ribbon, but since I sewed the opening shut, it's just a decorative ribbon.

And then I got really adventurous and made myself this apron (from this tutorial)! Yay! I don't want anyone to see it up close...but I'm actually pretty proud of it.

Just what I need, another hobby...

Here are a couple other projects I've found for inspiration.

this, this, this, this, and this

What fun!!

A Typical Night in the Peterson House

Trying to make time for some pickin' these days, no matter what it takes. And Sadie's loving it!

She'll be picking up a fiddle in no time...

My New Toy

Well, I finally took the plunge and bought myself a new mandolin. It's a Weber Bitterroot F-Style mandolin and I bought it at the Denver Folklore Center...my favorite acoustic instrument shop, and a Denver institution since 1962.

In 1998, when I moved to Alaska, I recognized the need for some new hobbies to keep me busy during the long, dark Alaskan winters. I started knitting, and, inspired by the multitude of bluegrass pickers in Fairbanks, decided that I wanted to start playing an acoustic instrument. I decided that a mandolin was just my size, and nice and portable to match my roving lifestyle at the time.

My dad bought me a great little Epiphone mandolin that I have been very happy with for over ten years. That mandolin served me well....and has been all over the country with me. One of my favorite memories with it was my last night in Alaska, just before crossing the Alaska/Canada border. Rachel, Alan, and I camped out in a beautiful, remote spot. We sat around a campfire in the cool fall air, and I played that mandolin as some of the most amazing northern lights I'd ever seen danced overhead, bidding us goodbye.

My mandolin playing has always been sporadic, at best. The problem for me is that mandolin playing is not the only hobby I love. So, when I have some spare time, it's hard for me to decide between picking, reading, and/or knitting. And I'll be honest, for most of the past decade, reading and knitting usually win.

But lately, things have changed a bit. Brian is a dedicated banjo picker and is always encouraging me to play more often. We've tried off and on to make music together, but until recently we just couldn't make it happen.

And then....we found what we've always needed...a guitar player!!! Right across the street! And we've known him all along, but he just didn't know he was a guitar player until about 9 months ago.

And now...the neighborhood band is in full swing!Since Brian, Ryan and I have started playing together, I've found a renewed sense of excitement about my musical ambitions. I've been having so much fun making music in my living room with our good friends. I love that Sadie is growing up, just like I did, surrounded by live acoustic music in her home.

And then a little voice inside me told me that I might be ready to upgrade my instrument. Well, once that voice spoke up, there was no ignoring it.

Over the past few months, I've visited every acoustic instrument dealer along the Front Range, and one in Durango, CO. I narrowed down the sound I was looking for in a new mandolin. And then I found the one. It all came down to look, and feel, and emotions. As Harry Tuft at the Folklore Center told me...it's usually the one you find yourself thinking about. And boy, have I been thinking about this instrument.

This mandolin was an investment (ie: it wasn't cheap), but it's something I will have for the rest of my life, and will be able to pass down to Sadie. And in my opinion, there aren't many better things in life to spend money on than beautiful, handmade acoustic instruments.

Now I just have to name it....

I Still Knit Sometimes

...but not much.

Full-time mama duty doesn't leave a lot of time for knitting. And when I do finally collapse on the couch at night after putting Sadie to bed around 8:30 or 9:00 p.m., I just don't seem to have the energy for starting a new knitting project.

But...I have finished a couple things since Sadie was born. This cute hat doesn't fit Sadie anymore, but I can't wait to pass it along to the next little girl in our midst.

(for you knitters....It's the Upside-Down Daisy hat from Itty Bitty Hats by Susan B. Anderson.)

Aside from the pure joy I get from creating something handmade, my favorite thing about knitting is giving knit items away. I rarely keep anything I knit...I probably own less than 5 items from a 10+ year knitting career. But one of the great pleasures in my life is knowing that the people I love own and (hopefully) wear the handknit pieces that I have lovingly made for them.

One of the most influential people in my life during the past year (and maybe my life) is the woman who was my doula during Sadie's birth. I've spoken before on my blog about what an amazing childbirth educator Brandy was and how important her support was during my very long labor. here and here

During my first few weeks at home post-partum I spent a lot of time trying to think of what I could give Brandy to try and express the amazing sense of gratitude I was feeling for her services and support. Nothing I thought of seemed to fit the bill. Socks, scarves, a hat, maybe a hat/mitten/scarf set? While these are gifts I love to give, none of them seemed suitable for Brandy's thank you gift.

I finally settled on a shawl. I had never knit a shawl, and my mom's shawl project had inspired to me try. A shawl can be a work of art, and an heirloom. It seemed like the perfect choice. I had been saving my Kauni Rainbow yarn for a special project. And I had my eye on the Revontuli pattern (Revontuli means Northern Lights in Finnish).

I was so happy with how this shawl turned out! It was every bit as beautiful as I'd hoped for. I showed it off to everyone that came to my house...I don't think I've ever been so proud of anything I've knit.

It was wonderful to be able to give this to Brandy as a small token of my appreciation for everything she has done for me as a woman and as a mother.

Thank you Brandy!!